


Earth C 2019 Presidential Debate

by Dabethan



Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: A lot of discussion of sexual harassment and rape, Abuse/assault denial, Discussions of population control and xenophobic propaganda, Earth C (Homestuck), No rape depicted just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-19 13:50:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22045243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabethan/pseuds/Dabethan
Summary: Hosted by Jake English.Mind the tags, please.
Relationships: Jane Crocker & Jake English, Jane Crocker & June Egbert, Jane Crocker & Karkat Vantas, June Egbert & Karkat Vantas
Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1587559
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Earth C 2019 Presidential Debate

**Author's Note:**

> Views reflected by the characters do not necessarily reflect views by the author of this fic.

The auditorium is less empty that it looks on TV, with the camera crew and the director running around ordering people to do things. Someone with a headset fiddles with Jake's lapel, ensuring he can he heard clearly through his mic.

This may be the second time Jake has hosted a televised presidential debate (or maybe it's the fourth? Sixth? Hm), and he's quite comfortable handling himself in front of a camera. Though it may be better if people wasn't so nervous about giving him criticism. And maybe if they hadn't added so many of the blasted things. Who needs twenty cameras?

He turns to Camera 1, and puts on his most winning smile.

JAKE: Good evening viewers at home! Welcome to the 2019 earth c debates i am your host jake english!

He pauses a moment, since people are probably kissing their screens right now and he should give them some time before they continue.

JAKE: This is the first last and only debate of the election season and everyone is all ready to have a go at metaphorical blows to each others logistics in presidential policy! At least i sure hope so since that is presumably the sorts of activity they shall be partaking in tonight!  
JAKE: I will be asking each candidate questions that were sent in via skaianets own political name in a hat service created by yours truly! Candidates can respond to the questions only after the candidate it was directed to is finished responding.  
JAKE: Interruption is bad sportsman like! Politics are the second best sport ever so its important to be polite while you pummel each to death with political ideology and ethical blunders.

There's a far too loud and rough scoff from the stage in front of Jake, behind the camera pointed at his face.

KARKAT: WHAT HAPPENS IF WE AREN'T POLITE?  
JAKE: Then you have to appear on my television program as a guest star!  
KARKAT: OH GOD.  
JANE: Wh-  
JUNE: …

The camera doesn't falter between the two, instead choosing to continue filming Jake's face.

JAKE: Before we begin, how about we hear a little from each candidate. Who you are from whence where you came if youve ever written a comment in a youtube comment section if youve ever written dean x castiel abo fanatical fiction if you know the lyrics to country roads if youve ever socked a man right in the face and been like wow so this is what ive been missing? All this time? The thrill of the scrummage? Of power? How easy it could be to be corrupted by unseen forces the world has only a vague idea of?  
JAKE: That sorta hullabaloo.  
KARKAT: UH.  
JAKE: You go first mister vantas!

The short man at the middle podium fidgets uncomfortably, his ridiculous suit outfit was far too tight, the lights pointed at him far too bright, and he's standing on a large stool. He looks embarrassed and unprepared as he takes a deep breath.

KARKAT: O…KAY.  
KARKAT: MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS. I'M THE DESCENDANT OF THE...SIGNLESS. I ONCE LED A WHOLE BUNCH OF TROLLS TO COMPLETE THE SBURB GAME AND CREATE THE SHITTY PLANET THAT WAS EARTH, BUT THEN A WHOLE LOT WENT WR-  
KARKAT: ...AND THEN WE CREATED EARTH WHICH LED TO THE HUMANS AND THE GODS WE CURRENTLY HAVE ON EARTH C.  
JAKE: So youre sort of like the god to us who are also the gods right?  
KARKAT: I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY BUT YES THAT'S...ACCURATE.  
JAKE: Smashing! *And somewhat dashing*.  
JAKE: June?

June had clearly been doodling something on a piece of paper, and she quickly snaps her head up to look at Jake, and then the camera. Clearing her throat and tugging her weird ruffley blouse (why so ruffley?? She looks like a pirate) she rambles off a much worse rehearsed speech than Karkat's.

JUNE: uh, hi. my name is june, i'm 23, and i'm a god. I lead the humans to build earth c, and i mean. it's going well. right? yeah.  
JAKE: Id say so! Anything else?

June hesitantly shakes her head, only to make an expression of recognition and continuing.

JUNE: n-  
JUNE: uh, sure. i uh. i'm really grateful to be participating in this election and event, and can't wait to hear the questions and also the answers that are, uh, spoken here to night? it's good to be here.  
JAKE: Excellent attitude!  
JAKE: And that of course leaves our last candidate…

On the far left of the stage is Jane Crocker.

JANE: Hoo hoo! Hello, Jake!  
JAKE: Hullo jane! You look plum adorable in your business get up i must say!  
KARKAT: THAT'S. REALLY INAPPROPRIATE OF YOU TO SAY ACTUALLY.  
JAKE: Oh???  
JANE: Oh, I don't uh mind. Thank you, Jake!

Looking far more comfortable than her opponents, Jane shuffles her notes, making the giant square padded shoulders of her red blazer crease oddly.

JANE: My name is Jane Crocker, and I'm the CEO of Earth C's own Crocker Corporation! I'm also a god, but I don't focus on that much. What is the point in healing individually, when I can find ways to help whole groups of people, or a whole planet! That is really what my business has been about since day one, and I'm sure the public both in this room and watching at home will be able to tell due to my own openness and honest demeanor.  
JANE: As president, I would be very excited to help the citizens of Earth C achieve their full potential.  
JAKE: Wowza. That's a hell of an opener ms crocker!  
JAKE: Give a hand to our candidates folks!

There is no one in the audience behind Jake. The camera crew clap confusedly.

JAKE: Right off the bat i have a question for ms crocker.  
JANE: Ooh!  
JAKE: Ms crocker, you were an heiress to the crocker corporation due to your grandfathers connection to betty crocker also known as alternias own imperious condescension. For a short while you were under the influence of her dastardly and frankly very very terrifying mind control technology and in one timeline you kidnapped me intending to make me some sort of bizarre sex slave to procreate with.  
JAKE: How likely is that going to happen again?   
JAKE: You did reform crocker corp immediately after arriving on earth c after all and are now running for president which is a surprisingly mortifying mirror of your great grandmothers rise to power.  
JAKE: Save for the kidnapping and cajoling me into sex slavery happenstance. That appears to have been something you just wanted to do at the time.  
JANE: ...Well. Uh.  
JANE: I uh. I don't have any plans to be evil? So... that's. That's one thing?  
JAKE: That would indeed be a thing!  
JANE: I mean. Oh golly.  
JANE: We've all made mistakes, haven't we?  
KARKAT: THAT'S A HORRIBLE EXCUSE. LIKE REALLY? YOU FUCKING *MADE A MISTAKE*? YOU TURNED EVIL AND TRIED TO MAKE JAKE A SEX SLAVE. THAT'S MORE THAN A MISTAKE.  
KARKAT: WHOOPSIE EVERYBODY! I SLIPPED ON A BANANA AND ACCIDENTALLY TRIED TO RAPE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS! FUCK I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT; GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS, RIGHT?  
JAKE: ...  
JUNE: wow. dude, stop.  
JANE: Well at least I both recognize what I did wrong, and wasn't in my right mind when it happened! Now you on the other hand…  
KARKAT: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN.  
JANE: Nothing!  
JANE: It's just that I'm not sure we can trust someone with such obvious anger management issues and abusive tendencies to make a good president! Not to mention that that's in tandem with your species tendencies towards violence...  
KARKAT: WHAT. ARE YOU JOKING.  
KARKAT: YOU ARE LITERALLY EVEN WORSE THAN I AM. LIKE, SO MUCH WORSE.  
KARKAT: ME BEING AN ASSHOLE AS A TEENAGER IS EXTREMELY DIFFERENT FROM YOU LITERALLY TRYING TO MAKE JAKE THE UNWILLING FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.  
JAKE: I think we are getting a bit off topi-  
KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION YOU'RE CLEARLY SLINGING ACCUSATIONS AT ME TO AVOID CLAIMING REAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR.  
KARKAT: YOU WERE BEING MIND CONTROLLED BUT WHY WOULD THE BATTERWITCH WANT YOU TO RAPE JAKE SPECIFICALLY? UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY WANTED TO DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
JANE: …  
JUNE: …  
JAKE: …  
JAKE: We are going to move on now.  
KARKAT: FINE.

Jake continues to smile. The camera will most likely randomly focus on him to keep the audience interested, so he has to be on guard. He skims down for a question for Vantas, since he seems excited to talk anyway. It is nice that they let him have so much control over this job.

JAKE: Karkat you led the team of trolls to create the original planet earth and the universe that surrounded it. However much of your team died due to the slaughter of other members of the group and others became evil killers who fucked everything up.  
KARKAT: UH.  
JAKE: How do you expect to lead earth c in the next few coming years?  
KARKAT: THAT'S. A VERY GOOD QUESTION.  
JAKE: Thanks! It was randomized.  
KARKAT: IN A LOT OF WAYS, I THINK MY PARTY COULD VERY WELL COUNT AS A CAUTIONARY TALE. WE WERE RAISED WITH IDEALS AND MORALS THAT WERE HARMFUL BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY TO OUR AND SOCIETY'S WELL BEING. WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WANTED TO BE A THRESHECUTIONER. NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT I WAS HOPING TO GAIN SOME POWER IN ALTERNIA'S BRUTAL SOCIETY WHEN I MYSELF WAS DISADVANTAGED AND POWERLESS. SOME OF MY FORMER FRIENDS WEREN'T AS LUCKY.  
KARKAT: ERIDAN WENT CRAZY. VRISKA DID WHAT WAS DEMANDED OF HER FROM HER LUSUS. GAMZEE WAS...OK I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR GAMZEE HE JUST SORT OF SUCKS IN EVERY WAY. YIKES.  
KARKAT: BUT THE VIOLENCE IN MY PARTY WAS FRANKLY TRAUMATIZING. IT WAS FUCKED UP. WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE FELT THE NEED TO ENACT IT, AND NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH AN EXPERIENCE LIKE IT.  
KARKAT: AND THAT'S WHY I SHOULD BE PRESIDENT. BECAUSE I WANT TO CREATE A WORLD WHERE TEENAGERS DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THE NEED TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES EMOTIONALLY AND MURDER THEIR PEERS.  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
JUNE: wow. that was great karkat!  
JANE: …  
JAKE: That was actually really good! Very well worded chap thank you.  
JAKE: Now obviously our last question this round goes to our dear june!  
JANE: How?  
JAKE: Pardon?  
JANE: How does Vantas plan on his presidency helping teens avoid the same mistakes his planet did?  
KARKAT: WELL FOR STARTERS, THERE'S NO CULLINGS, NO HEMOPRIVALEGE, AND NO IMPERIALISM.  
KARKAT: SO BASICALLY EXACTLY HOW IT IS NOW ON EARTH C. I THINK WE'RE DOING PRETTY GOOD IN THE NOT KILLING OUR OWN KIND DEPARTMENT.  
JANE: And how is that any different from my own policies?  
KARKAT: THE IMPERIALISM.  
JANE: …  
JAKE: Sorry folks but we were talking about june? So im going to move onto that now? 

No one answers Jake, so he presses on.

JAKE: Right.  
JAKE: June! You have fancy schmancy powers that influence the fabric of our very universe! Our canon as it were.  
JUNE: yes.  
JAKE: How would that influence your practices in being president of earth c?  
JUNE: hm. i don't know.  
JAKE: Very well! Now karkat-  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?  
JUNE: i don't really think about it.  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE MAGIC UNIVERSE FUCK UP POWERS AND YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT???  
JUNE: i'm not sure i think about a lot of things to be honest.  
JUNE: but no i haven't really thought about my powers in my presidency yet.  
JUNE: i don't know about you guys, but hasn't this been going really fast?  
JUNE: i mean we only started our campaigns like two weeks ago and the election is a few days away.  
KARKAT: THAT'S HOW EARTH C'S ELECTION CYCLES ARE, DUMBASS.  
JUNE: oh.  
JANE: Haven't you ever voted before?  
JUNE: uhhh...no.  
JANE: WHAT!  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SERIOUS??  
JUNE: i've never really thought about it guys, geez. i've been really busy the past few years.  
KARKAT: WITH WHAT, HANGING OUT ON YOUR COUCH WATCHING JENNIFER'S BODY ABOUT FIFTY TIMES A DAY?  
JUNE: ...yes.  
JAKE: Candyfolks and gent we have to move on now please!

Jake loudly shuffles is questions on the table, making a big banging noise until they shut up.

JAKE: Mr vantas you are the only person on this stage who isnt god tier thus making you the most susceptible to dying and never coming back. How do you reconcile with that? Do you have any contingency plans for if you meet your demise while in office?  
KARKAT: OH. UM. NO.  
JAKE: You dont?  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT HASN'T REALLY COME UP? BUT. I MEAN, I GUESS I'D HAND IT OVER EITHER TO DAVE OR JADE. PROBABLY JADE SO DAVE COULD ADVISE HER. IF I GAVE IT TO DAVE HE WOULDN'T TAKE HER ADVICE VERY WELL, BUT HE'S GOING TO BE MY ADVISOR AND I THINK HE'S FINE THAT WAY.  
JAKE: Interesting!  
JAKE: So if you die wed be looking at a jade harley presidency?  
KARKAT: OK I MEAN DON'T GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO KILL ME OR ANYTHING BUT I'D HOPE SO? I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY TALKED TO HER OR DAVE ABOUT THIS SO I DON'T KNOW. BUT...YEAH. PROBABLY JADE.  
JAKE: Do any of the other candidates have something to say to that statement?  
JANE: Not really. I don't agree that Dave or Jade should be president or involved in government policy, but that's a sensical decision for Karkat's own campaign.  
JUNE: yeah, i like jade and dave. they'd do a good job. though it is concerning that we apparently don't have vice presidents? why doesn't earth c have vice presidents?  
JAKE: Excellent! Next up.

Keep it going, Jake.

JAKE: Our dear jane. You currently are the ceo of the crocker corporation which has been buying out many small businesses and currently owns about 70% of the overall industry on earth c.  
JAKE: In what way will crocker corp be involved in your presidency and how will this affect small businesses and local ventures.  
JANE: Well Mister English, I think there has been much slander and lying about my company. Some of my fellow candidates seem to have this idea that Crocker Corp. is evil!  
JUNE: it is evil.  
JANE: WE ARE NOT EVIL!!! We are a business venture that buys out our competitors by offering them a lot of money so that they don't have to work anymore!  
JANE: It's actually quite helpful!  
KARKAT: BUT THEN WHEN YOU EXPAND YOU CUT THE PAY OF THE BUSINESS' WORKERS AND LAY OFF OR FIRE THE ONES WHO REQUEST MORE THAN MINIMUM WAGE.  
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, MINIMUM WAGE IS BULLSHIT. EVERYONE DESERVES A *LIVING* WAGE THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM PICK BETWEEN PAYING THEIR MORTGAGE OR THEIR GROCERIES EACH WEEK.  
JUNE: am i the only person in this room aware that earth c has infinite resources. like we can just alchemize anything we want? we have no need for wages or labor?  
JAKE: Back to jane please! She hasnt finished answering.  
JANE: Thank you!!! When I am president, I intend to expand Crocker Corp. further through the planet, creating even more jobs and resources for our citizens!  
KARKAT: OH, BARF.  
JUNE: :/  
JUNE: what if no one wants to work for crocker corp? or sell?  
JANE: We can be very persuasive.  
JUNE: what, are you going to like send them an ear in a box? threaten to burn their store down?  
JANE: ...No.  
KARKAT: I REALLY HATE THAT YOU HAD TO HESITATE BEFORE ANSWERING "NO."

It's dead silence for a good 30 seconds while Karkat and Jane glare at each other. Jake digs for a question that isn't related to Jane being a capitalist fuck.

JAKE: Now june this question comes in concern i think. It states that you very rarely leave your house, and you seem to have a bout of depression. How would you stay motivated to work on government policy when you are having "off days?"  
JUNE: well...  
JUNE: i have a lot of back up? i was largely motivated to do this campaign because of vriska and terezi, and it's gotten me this far.  
JUNE: something i've been told...is a strong point of mine, is that i am pretty reliable. if i know people are counting on me, i'll at least try. and this time i'm going to have people who will back me up and help me help the planet.  
JAKE: Thats an extremely good segue into our next question…  
JAKE: June one of your advisors is a lunatic who eats chalk and the other is a lunatic that has murdered hundreds of children created bec noir and threw someone off a cliff.  
JAKE: Do you want to talk about any of that?

Camera 5 zooms in close to June's face, and she floats a step back.

JUNE: ...no?  
JAKE: Fair enough!

Camera 5 retreats as camera 1 focuses on Jake again.

JAKE: Karkat your campaign has been full of progressive buzzwords and vague support for some newfangled political concept called communism. Do you actually believe in communism or is that a stance you have adopted on behalf of your advisor dave strider?  
KARKAT: IT IS ADMITTEDLY A STANCE I WAS ADVISED TO TAKE, BUT BETWEEN CAPITALISM AND COMMUNISM WE SHOULD TAKE COMMUNISM.  
JUNE: what about socialism?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS SOCIALISM?  
JANE: Our current political structure has been working well for the past billions of years, why should we change it now?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE CAPITALISM SUCKS, JANE.  
JANE: That's not a very good reason!  
JANE: And at least my stances are my own ideas instead of being a political puppet for some insufferable prick in sunglasses…  
KARKAT: ISN'T YOUR ADVISOR DIRK.  
JANE: Yes? Irrelevant?  
KARKAT: HE LITERALLY CALLS HIMSELF A PUPPET MASTER, AND THAT'S IGNORING THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK IN SUNGLASSES PART.  
JANE: Well he wouldn't treat me like a political puppet!  
JUNE: well…  
JANE: ...Would he?  
JAKE: Look karkat do you or do you not support communism?  
KARKAT: YEAH I SUPPORT COMMUNISM.  
JAKE: Alright. Jane:  
JAKE: There have been many complaints for both crocker corp and...skaia...net...that the working conditions and pay for employees arent very...good.  
JAKE: Sigh.  
JAKE: Im sending us on intermission.

Jake's smile shuts off the exact moment camera 1 does as well. Yanking his mic off, he rises from his seat, pulls his shorts down a little bit (why did he pick these today? He's sitting behind a desk. They're just going to ride up the whole time and no one's going to see them…), and walks past the stage. He pauses briefly as June addresses him.

JUNE: jake i'm sorry about...you know. the. the stuff. all of the stuff.  
JAKE: Oh its fine! No need to worry about me im doing just hunky dory. I am just going to go step into the back room for a minute.

Behind the stage, Jake grabs a small glass of water from the cooler next to the observation room. He knows the assistants are helping the candidates with their refreshments, but it's good to change the scenery, even if it's just for a moment.

He opens the door to the observation room, and is greeted by a sight of chaos. Papers are spread everywhere, some with bite marks, most with bright colored scribbles. Dirk is sprawled out on one side of a sofa, with Jade on the far side away from him. Vriska and Dave are pacing, and Terezi seems to be trying to trip them with her cane. All of them are yelling at each other, minus Dirk.

Then Dave turns towards Jake and abruptly stops pacing.

DAVE: oh my god jake my man i am so fucking sorry about karkat he was so out of line earlier and-  
JAKE: Dave it is fine! Really! Id actually be delighted if we didnt talk about anything that has been talked about me in the debate so far if i am honest.  
DIRK: That suits you quite well, doesn't it? You can avoid questions aimed at the candidates all you want as long as you yourself aren't liable to own up to your own callous behavior.  
JAKE: Sorry would you have preferred i let her answer yet another question on how she runs an evil company hell bent on destroying our planets residents? Im doing your campaign a god damn favor strider.  
DIRK: She would have talked her way out of it. She's a brilliant girl.  
TEREZI: 1F SH3'S SO BR1LL14NT WHY DO H3R 4NSW3RS SUCK SO MUCH  
TEREZI: 1T'S L1K3 SH3 W4NTS 3V3RYON3 TO H4T3 H3R  
TEREZI: L1K3 R34LLY? SUPPORT OF C4P1T4L1SM? NO ON3 L1K3S C4P1T4L1SM  
TEREZI: SH3 D1DN'T 3V3N S4Y *SORRY* WH3N CONFRONT3D 4BOUT J4K3  
JAKE: Its alright shes apologized to me many times before this.  
DAVE: she still definitely could have handled that better  
DAVE: and also everything else better  
JADE: am i the only person in this room who is concerned that i am apparently going to be karkats vice president without him asking me??  
DAVE: yeah about tha-  
VRISKA: You know I think it was good of Karkat and those other q8stions to 8ring up that stuff, English.  
VRISKA: It really 8luntly shows where people's morals lie!!!!!!!!  
JAKE: ... Which is apparently under a desk with a tin foil hat on…  
TEREZI: 1 DON'T KNOW 1T'S 4 B1T H4RSH TO JUST 4CCUS3 YOUR PR3V1OUSLY M1ND CONTROLL3D OPPON3NT 4 R4P1ST DUR1NG 4 PR3S1D3NT14L D3B4T3  
JAKE: Right?  
JAKE: Were friends and im over it! She apologized! Nothing even happened!  
DIRK: But something was going to happen, if there hadn't been the necessary intervention.  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT YOUR OWN C4ND1D4T3 1D1OT  
DIRK: Yeah, and? It's still fucked up that Jake's just sweeping it under the rug.  
VRISKA: Thank you!  
VRISKA: This isn't something we should ignore!  
DAVE: guys jakes really obviously uncomfortable can we stop talking about whether or not hes a victim of sexual assault cause like read the fucking room  
JAKE: Im not sweeping anything under the rug.  
DIRK: You're sweeping Skaianets poor labor practices under the rug as we speak.  
JAKE: I dont have an answer for skaianets poor bungled labor practices! I didnt *know* about skaianets poor bungled labor practices!  
JAKE: And guess what im going to have to deal with the minute this debates over???  
JAKE: Skaianets poor bungled labor practices thats what!  
JAKE: Fuck. What a cockup.  
DIRK: Still unsportsmanlike to not let Jane answer her question. Now she's not going to have a chance to defend herself at such an important time.  
VRISKA: Dirk you KNOW she wouldn't have answered well.  
DIRK: It's still the principle of the thing.  
JADE: can we please stop arguing and harassing jake? please?  
DAVE: yes  
VRISKA: No.  
DIRK: No.  
TEREZI: NO  
JAKE: Well at least we have some guests for our show. They wont shut the fuck up out there.  
DIRK: Show's cancelled.  
JAKE: ...What?  
DIRK: Rumble In Da Pumpkin Patch is cancelled. I cancelled it about 5 minutes ago.  
JAKE: WHY!  
JAKE: WHY MY DEAR *FUCKING* STRIDER WOULD YOU CANCEL OUR FUCKING TV SHOW?!  
DIRK: Long story. I talked to Rose, and now things like sweaty homoerotic television shows aren't as important anymore.  
DIRK: I'll explain more after the election.  
JAKE: Right.  
JAKE: Well folks i had a jolly good time catching up with you all back here-  
JADE: jake…  
JAKE: -But now i am going back onstage to pretend i didnt just have my favorite job pulled out under my feet by some maniac who wants me to address my traumatic experiences in front of a live studio audience.  
JAKE: Au revoir. Stay golden.  
JAKE: The show must fucking go on i guess.

Crushing his paper cup in his hand, Jake ignores the frantic yelling starting up after his outburst, and tosses it into a bin; briskly walking back to his seat in the front of the stage. Assistants messed with his clothes, his hair, and his mic. The candidates stay quiet, watching him. Jake takes a deep breath, his eyes closed and head in his hands. Camera 1 focuses, and the director counts down on her fingers.

When the director verbally reaches the count of one, Jake's head snaps up, his hands on the table, and a sparkling smile on his face.

JAKE: And were back! Hope you all had a lovely break with pleasant beverages and refreshments of the lower kind!  
KARKAT: WHAT???  
JAKE: Our next question shall be for jane.  
JAKE: Jane youve made yourself a steady reputation as a competent business woman. However many of your critics argue that you are only an heiress who inherited the business and the money rather than a true entrepreneur. Do you have anything to say to that?  
JAKE: (Take that strider you goddamned shitwillow-)  
JANE: Baseless accusations.  
JUNE: can they really be considered base less? since, you know, you were the heiress? and now you're a god?  
JANE: But there was no Crocker Corporation on Earth C, until I arrived and made it so. While I definitely had help-  
KARKAT: A LOT OF HELP.  
JANE: I made my company from the ground up! Even if you don't agree with me, my campaign, or my business ventures, I am confident that the viewers at home will consider how I literally brought a company back from the dead and turned it into an empire.  
KARKAT: AND I AM CONFIDENT THAT THEY'LL FOCUS HEAVILY ON THE "EMPIRE" PART.  
JAKE: Yeah yeah yeah whatever.

Jake shuffles to the next question.

JAKE: June you havent voted before and you clearly dont even know how the election process works. Why vote for you.  
JUNE: i uh i have a really good and competent team who listen to me. i'm good at leading, and i'm good at staying busy. plus...i had a lot to do with making this planet and i want to keep people happy.  
JUNE: i want things to stay...similarly, but also help people achieve what they want to. like, local turtle business man wants to open his own printing company. he should be able to have the resources and help he needs to be successful!  
JUNE: and our schools, they don't even have much history of non human cultures, and stuff. and we don't provide free lunches? that's so weird.  
JUNE: we can alchemize nearly anything in almost infinite amounts and we won't give kids free lunches? that's so fucked.  
JUNE: and it's because other people are hogging our alchemizing stuff and fabricating this idea of wealth and dependency.  
JUNE: i just want-  
JUNE: i want every one to be happy.  
KARKAT: WOW.

There's a few beats of silence, as they all process June's statements. Jake clears his throat and dutifully continues.

JAKE: Karkat you are most likely the descendant to the signless also known as the sufferer. Do you believe in the religion? Do you consider yourself similar to him and worth following?  
KARKAT: WHAT? NO. RELIGION IS ALL SORT OF BULLSHIT.  
KARKAT: BUT I DO GENERALLY ADVOCATE FOR THE SAME THINGS. I'M NOT GOING TO LIKE, CALL SOMEONE A NOOKSUCKER JUST CAUSE THEY WORSHIP MY DECENDANT.  
KARKAT: THOUGH, I ADMITTEDLY WOULD PREFER BEING LEFT ALONE THAN WORSHIPPED. LIKE DO WHAT YOU WANT BUT I'M NOT THAT GUY, AND I'M PROBABLY NOT WORTH IT LIKE HE WAS. FUCKIN' KANKRI.  
JAKE: ...Ok.  
JAKE: Our last round of questions is for all three candidates. First up:  
JAKE: Troll reproduction.  
JAKE: Thoughts?  
JANE: I'm concerned about overpopulation.  
JUNE: can't we just, like, make more space?  
JANE: What?  
JUNE: we have infinite resources and a space player who can manipulate the size of things. so. why are you so worried about over population?  
JANE: Very soon there will be so many trolls, though! And then we'll be significantly outnumbered in comparison. Can you not see why that's concerning?  
JUNE: uhhh no?  
KARKAT: NO.  
JANE: Just look at Alternian history! Obviously letting them be the majority of Earth C's population could cause severe problems! Maybe even violent problems!  
KARKAT: WOW, FUCK YOU JANE.  
JUNE: that sounds pretty xeno phobic, jane.  
JANE: Oh of course! Jane's xenophobic! Haven't heard that one before! You're just distracting from the real issues now.  
KARKAT: THIS IS A REAL ISSUE. I'M NOT A FANTASY CHARACTER, THIS ISN'T PUPA PAN. WE'RE REAL AND WE LIVE HERE.  
KARKAT: BUT ANYWAY, WITH US NOT CONTRIBUTING VIA DRONES AND BUCKETS IN RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS, WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THE RATE OF GRUBS THAT WILL BE HATCHED YET.  
JUNE: yeah, like we don't know anything yet? the closest we have to a mother grub expert is kanaya, and i assume we're all going to consult her on the issue regardless of who wins the election.  
JANE: But she's a troll.  
KARKAT: YEAH NO SHIT KANAYA IS A TROLL. A TROLL AND PRACTICALLY A MOTHER GRUB SCIENTIST SLASH NURSE.  
JANE: She's a troll, and thus may be biased in her information.  
JANE: You can't trust too many scientists these days! They are quite fond of lying. :B  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU, A REPUBLICAN?  
JANE: Do you actually know what a republican is?  
KARKAT: YES, JANE. I LIVE WITH DAVE FUCKING STRIDER; I HAVE HEARD *PLENTY* ABOUT REPUBLICANS.  
JANE: ...I admit that would check out.  
JAKE: *COUGHS LOUDLY TO INTERRUPT*!!!

All three candidates and all twenty cameras turn to stare at Jake.

JAKE: Gentledames and gentletroll!  
KARKAT: GENTLETR-  
KARKAT: I AM A MAN??? JAKE???  
JAKE: The next question is on the topic of other planets and species.  
JAKE: We have tons of different types on our earth c but there are probably others right? We arent the only gods out there! Others have played sburb and we may run into other planets universes and people! How do you plan to go about enacting diplomacy and not invading anyone?  
KARKAT: WELL, FIRST WE DON'T INVADE ANYONE.  
JUNE: yeah.  
JANE: What if they invade us first?  
KARKAT: FOR FUCKS SAKE, CROCKER.  
JANE: I'm just asking!!! It's a valid concern!  
JUNE: then we should like, reinforce our defenses right? keep any one from getting in?  
KARKAT: BUT WE SHOULD *NEVER* INVADE!  
JUNE: yeah we really shouldn't contact anyone first.  
JANE: What if they need help? We could provide them resources, if they want to be part of our government.  
JUNE: jane…  
JUNE: you're acting a bit crazy now, i'm not going to lie to you.  
JANE: ...Fine. Whatever.  
JAKE: *Sigh*.  
JAKE: Ok. The last question is how you would handle any unexpected sburb malarkey that could potentially happen in the future.  
JAKE: Youve all heard of rose lalondes gossip right? How do you plan to work with her predictions.  
JUNE: listen to her, vriska, and terezi, and devise a plan to make every thing as smooth sailing as possible.  
KARKAT: FUCK I DON'T KNOW, DO WHATEVER JADE SAYS???  
JANE: Rose and Dirk work well together, I'd strategize with them to minimize damage to our citizens.  
JAKE: Oll korrect then.  
JAKE: Well folks it was a harrowing night for sure but now it is time for these candidates to hug goodbye.  
KARKAT: WHAT?? JESUS FUCK NO-  
JAKE: If youre watching this dont forget to vote on monday by 9 pm. Give a hand to our candidates.  
JAKE: This is jake english host of the 2019 earth c presidential debates signing off.  
JAKE: Stay true to yourself and never forget who you are.  
JAKE: Get some 8 hours of sleep and drink as much water as possible. Or nakkomade ive heard that stuff is- oh apparently im not supposed to talk about non sponsored products.  
JAKE: My fault! Whoopsie daisy.  
JAKE: Anyway make sure to eat the most important meal of the day use condoms and dental dams and go pee every time you-  
JANE: Jake. Stop.  
JAKE: Goodnight folks!

There's a tense pause, as the director silently counts down on her fingers.

DIRECTOR: Aaaaaand cut. We're d#ne.

Immediately Karkat and June turn to shake hands, and June pulls him into a hug he only slightly grumbles about. They both sort of stare at Jane, who waves. Slowly, June shakes her hand as well, a deep frown across her face. Assistants rush them to disable their mics, while a carapacian winds up some cables behind the podiums.

Jake is disconnected and walking out very quickly. He has much to think about, and would rather pretend he doesn't hear June and Jane's questioning voices from the stage behind him.


End file.
